Super Duper Lawyers: ASOUE Edition

[InsaneShannon]

The spawn of the Super Lawyers--Super DUPER Lawyers--take on ASOUE court cases, usually ending up funny or catastrophic!
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It was a beautiful day out. Violet was just outside, enjoying the breeze and whatnot.

When suddenly....

AN UNKNOWN PERPATRATOR RAPED HER!

Little kids covered their eyes and some barfed.

When the "ickayucka" was over, kids opened their eyes, and Violet lay unconcious on the grass!

Lemony: CALL IN THE SUPER DUPER LAWYERS!
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Super Duper Lawyer Music: Dun de dun da dun dun da de dun......
SUPER DUPER LAWYERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRS!

Lemony: WITH OUR JUDGE, JUSTICE STRAUSS!

Justice Strauss walked in and took her seat. The four Super Duper Lawyers took their seats as well.

Lemony: We have our lawyers, Super Duper Lawyer Quiglet/Amanda, Super Duper Lawyer Glex/Tori, Super Duper Lawyer Experimaud/Maud, and Super Duper Lawyer Vemily/AJ at their seats, ready to begin!
Today they will take on a case...the case of a beloved sibling...THE RAPE OF VIOLET BAUDELAIRE!

Audience: Nuuuuuu!

Lemony: I'm afraid it's true! Let's have our first witness come in...CALL IN QUIGLEY QUAGMIRE!

Vemily and Glex hauled Quigley in.

Quigley: This is crazy!

Lemony: We now watch as Quigley is brought over to Super Duper Lawyer Quiglet, who specializes in Sexual Offenses.

Quigley: I DIDN'T DO IT!

Quiglet: Shut up, Quisling!

Quigley: QUIGLEY!

Quiglet: Whatever! Where were you at 1:00 p.m. yesterday?

Quigley: I was sleeping!

Quiglet: With Violet!

Quigley: I TOLD YOU! I DIDN'T DO IIIIIIIIIIT! -goes crazy-

Vemily: Wrong answer!

Experimaud: We'll now show you the tape of you raping Violet!

Glex: Which will prove you guilty!

They played the tape. But it wasn't Quigley.

Quiglet: Oops! Sorry, it wasn't you!

Quigley: But I think I know who DID do it!

All Super Duper Lawyers: ZOMG WHO?

Quigley: DUNCAN!

Quiglet: Omigosh! Haul him in, Glex!

Glex: Right, Quig!

As Quigley left, Glex pushed Duncan in and resumed her seat.

Duncan: What's going on?

Glex: You raped Violet!

Duncan: What! That's crazy!

Glex: We'll see if it's crazy! -to Quiglet- Roll tape!

Quiglet rolled the tape....but it wasn't Duncan.

Duncan: Ha! If it's not Quigley it wouldn't be me either!

But before Duncan left....

Duncan: GUYS! I think Olaf did it!

Quiglet: He would!

Experimaud: Oh mah gosh!

Experimaud ran off and hauled Olaf in as Duncan ran off screaming, "I'M FREE! I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Olaf: What the heck's going on?

Experimaud: You raped Violet, that's what!

Olaf: Rape? EWWWWWWWW! I'd never indulge in rape!

Vemily: Oh, really! Roll tape, Glex!

Glex rolled the tape...and it was Olaf, sure enough.

All Super Duper Lawyers: WE TOLD YOU!

Olaf got chased by Klaus and Sunny.

Olaf: HEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!

Vemily: Yes! Now that the case is over, I can listen to my iPod!

Vemily listened to her iPod, while Olaf got chased out of town....

[InsaneShannon]

Before our SD Lawyers took on the case....
AJ was smoking crack.
Amanda: WTH? Why are you smoking crack?
AJ: Huh? -hides evidence- What crack?
Tori: You were smoking crack again, weren't you?
AJ: I dunno what you're talking about...
Maud: Crack's not healthy for you, AJ.
AJ: YES IT I--I mean, no it's not! I agree!
Tori: -smells smoke- Why do I smell cigar/cigarette smoke?
AJ: Erm.......
Maud: You're on crack.
AJ: Pfft!
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Sunny Baudelaire was just randomly walking along, when suddenly...

AN UNKNOWN KIDNAPPER TOOK HER!

Lemony: CALL. THE. SUPER. DUPER. LAWYERS.
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Super Duper Lawyer Music: Dun de dun da dun dun da de dun......
SUPER DUPER LAWYERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRS!

Lemony: WITH OUR JUDGE, JUSTICE STRAUSS!

Justice Strauss and the Super Duper Lawyers walked in and took their seats.

Lemony: We have Glex/Tori, Experimaud/Maud, Quiglet/Amanda, and Vemily/AJ as always....

Quiglet: Mr. Snicket, I'm afraid Super Duper Lawyer Vemily won't be able to participate.

Glex: She's on crack.

Lemony: -gasp- How can she be on crack? Why?

Vemily: Geez! I AM NOT ON CRAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!!!

Experimaud: Like we said this morning...

Quiglet: You're on crack.

Vemily: Pffle!
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Lemony: Ok, I think we're ready...

Quiglet: Except for AJ.

Experimaud: Who's on crack.

Vemily glared at Experimaud, but passed out because she was on crack.

Lemony: OK, Our Super Duper Lawyers...

Experimaud: Except for AJ....

Quiglet: ....Who is in fact on crack.

Lemony: Everyone knows! OK! AJ's on crack! Let's get this court show thinger over with!

Glex: But we need a replacement for AJ...

Experimaud: Who is on crack.

Lemony: WE KNOW SHE'S ON CRACK! SO SHUT UP!

Quiglet: Can we have a replacement? That's not on crack?

Lemony: Fine!

Super Lawyer Gred/Shannon walked in, pushed off AJ, and sat down.

Lemony: OK! After all of that mess, we're ready to begin! The three crack-less Super Duper Lawyers and a crack-less Super Lawyer will take on...THE KIDNAPPING OF SUNNY BAUDELAIRE!

Audience: -dies-

Lemony: CALL IN THE FIRST WITNESS.............................................
KLAUS BAUDELAIRE!

Gred: Noooo000000OOOOOOoooo! Not my Klausey-Oodles!

Glex: Sorry! It's the way it goes!

Experimaud and Quiglet hauled Klaus in.

Klaus: What! You guys are seriously on crack!

Quiglet: You're right about one of us...-points at Vemily-

Lemony: We watch as Klaus has to put up with Super Duper Lawyer Glex, who specializes in Abduction.

Glex: Where were you at 3:30 p.m. two days ago!

Klaus: Running away from Olaf...

Glex: WRONG ANSWER. YOU WERE KIDNAPPING SUNNY.

Klaus: Seriously, why would I kidnap Sunny? She's my sister!

Glex: Whatever! Quiglet, roll tape!

Klaus: Amanda's SDL name sounds familiar to Quigley...

Quiglet played the tape...but it wasn't Klaus.

Gred: Told you.

Klaus ran away yelling, "I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Lemony: GET THE NEXT SUSPECT, FIONA!

Experimaud hauled Fiona in.

Fiona: What happened! Aye!

Experimaud & Glex: You kidnapped Sunny!

Fiona: Why would I do that? Aye!

Quiglet: We have proof!

Fiona: I would never kidnap a Baudelaire! Aye!

Gred: WELL YOU CAN'T KIDNAP MY KLAUSEY-BOO!

Glex showed the tape.

Glex: Aughh...it wasn't her...

Fiona: Fernald did it! Aye!

Glex hauled in Fernald, while Fiona ran off.

Fernald: HOW DARE FIONA DO THAT!

The tape rolled, and it was Fernald.

Fernald: ARGHH! -goes to jail-

Vemily: -wakes up- Wait happened?

Glex: You were on crack.

Vemily: I WAS NOT ON CRACK!

Vemily chased her fellow Super Duper Lawyers out of town...

[InaneShannon]

Act I, the first of the in-between parts when the SD Lawyers have to put up with AJ being on crack...Something that keeps the humor going...
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After our second SDL case, Vemily/AJ was chasing the others...

AJ: I WAS NOT ON CRACK!
Tori: Yes you were. We had to call Shannon in to replace you.
AJ: WHY?
Amanda: Because you were on crack...
Maud: Come to think of it...AJ was the one who thought of calling ourselves Super Duper Lawyers...and I think she was on crack that time...

FLASHBACK TO WHEN THEY THOUGHT OF BEING SDL'S:
Tori: Maud, if you don't read Damien's mind, I'm suing you.
AJ: -is on crack- Damien?
Tori: You know Damien. My little brother? Ring a bell to you?
AJ: Make her try to read Greg's mind...
Amanda: Greg doesn't have a mind. He's dumb, remember?
Maud: AJ's brother? Greg? Who's older than her but dumb?
Tori: You're crazy...I'm suing all of you...
AJ: Not if I sue you first.
Maud: You can't sue Tori...
AJ: Why?
Maud: Because you're on crack.
AJ: What makes you think of that nutsy idea? -hides crack-
Amanda: I'm suing you because you're on crack.
Maud: I'm suing AJ first, remember?
Tori: We all sound like lawyers...what do we call ourselves?
AJ: SUPER DUPER LAWYERS! -passes out because of being on crack-
Tori: She's crazy. If we were all on crack we'd think of that.
Amanda: -shrugs- Worth a shot!
END FLASHBACK

Tori: I think we should change our name.
Amanda: Ok. Any suggestions, Madame Genius?
Maud: How about Super Lawyers?
Amanda: Nah...that was someone else's idea.
AJ: Awesome Lawyers!
Tori: No.....
Maud: Superhero Lawyers...?
Amanda: Ugh. "Superhero Lawyers" is a cheesy name.
Tori: And stupid.
AJ: How 'bouts we just stick with Super Duper Lawyers?
Amanda: Goooooooooood idea....

End of Act I, Act II coming soon.

[InsaneShannon]

No more AJ on crack, alright? -glares at Zach-
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AJ: -to her dumb 16-year-old brother- Greg, I can eat faster than you.

Greg: What do you mean?

AJ: ...
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Olaf was looking for something to burn.

When suddenly...

SOMEONE KILLED HIM!

Esme: Call in the Super Duper Lawyers!

Lemony: That's my line!

Esme: Taking lines is in. -makes face-
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Super Duper Lawyer Music: Dun de dun da dun dun da de dun......
SUPER DUPER LAWYERRRRRRRRRRRRRRS!

Lemony: The usual!

The usual happened. Everyone sat down.

Lemony: Tori, Amanda, AJ, Maud...-falls asleep because of boredom-

Glex: OH, BEATRICE!

Beatrice, despite being dead, pushed Lemony off and sat down.

Beatrice: Ok, the case is the death of Olaf!

Vemily: Sticky, sticky, stiiiiiiiiiicky!

Beatrice: ...

Experimaud: Don't worry, she's currently obsessed with sticky stuff.

Quiglet: And Lemony usually makes the case more dramatic, like 'THE DEATH OF OLAF!'.

Beatrice: Ok. THE DEATH OF OLAF!

Everyone except for Olaf fans: -drinks soda-

Olaf fans: -commit suicide-

Glex: ...

Beatrice: The first suspect is Esme Squalor.

Glex: He makes that dramatic too. -imitates Lemony- CALL IN THE FIRST WITNESS...-big dramatic pause-...ESME SQUALOR!

Beatrice: Aughh. CALL IN THE FIRST WITNESS...ESME SQUALOR!

Glex and Vemily hauled Esme in.

Esme: AJ, I got a phone call saying that sticky stuff is out!

Vemily: -turns serious- YOU CAN'T REVEAL THE NAMES OF THE LAWYERS! GEEZ!

Esme: Sorry!

Beatrice: Esme has to put up with SDL Experimaud, who specializes in Murder.

Experimaud: Only Lemony can call us SDL's.

Beatrice: Aughh.

Experimaud: -to Esme- Where were you at 2:00 a.m. today?

Esme: Sleeping...

Experimaud: You were killing Olaf, liar!

Esme: I'm not a liar!

VFD: Liar liar, pants on fire, hanging on a telephone wire!

Esme: I! AM! NOT! LYING! IT'S NOT IN TO BE UP AT 2:00 A.M.!

Experimaud: Whatever! -to Quiglet- Roll tape!

Quiglet rolled the tape...buuuuuuuuut....

Glex: Whoops. Ain't you.

Esme: -runs off- I'M FREE! I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Quiglet: Dummy, she doesn't realize...-whispers to Glex-...that yelling 'I'M FREE! I'M FREEEEEEEEEE!' is out...

Experimaud: CALL IN KATIE-ALAN!

Quiglet: When did Katie-Alan get in this story?

Vemily: Dunno...

Katie-Alan was hauled in.

Glex: I'm hardly getting mentioned...

Katie-Alan: You guys must be braindead. I didn't burn Olaf...!

Glex: -smirk-

Katie-Alan: Whoops...-covers mouth-

Olaf fans chased Katie-Alan out of town...followed by Ralahn...

Ralahn: IT'S NOT FAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRR!

Lemony: -is revived- Will you go out with me, Beatrice?

Beatrice chased Lemony out of town...

[InsaneShannon]

Act II, the second funny act.
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Words-Aughh=pronounced "awg".

-bombs are thrown at meh-

OH, fine! On with Act II!
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Maud: So, Lemony was getting chased by Beatrice...

Lemony: PLEASE DON'T HUUUURT MEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Beatrice: Too bad! -tackles Lemony-

Amanda: zomg. A bunch of Olaf fans were chasing Katie-Alan...

Olaf fans: WE SHALL KEEEEEEEL YOU.
Ralahn: IT'S NOT FAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Tori: Double zomg. Laury was...drowning...?

Laury: SOMEBODY SAVE ME!
Lisa-Gary: Stinks for you.

AJ: And my mom was trying to enroll Greg into summer school...

Mrs. Everett: Greg, you're stupid, you need summer school.
Greg: I DON'T WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL! I'M NOT STUPID!

DJ: -disc scratch thing-

Amanda: Hold on. Greg's going to summer school?
AJ: Dude. Greg is stupid. Braindead. Idiotic.
Maud: Yeah, 'Manda.
Amanda: GAWD. HOW MANY TIMES MUST I SAY THAT I DON'T LIKE TO BE CALLED "MANDA"!
Tori: Dude, it's your nickname.
Amanda: Oh. Yeah. Please continue.
Maud: Anyway, why's Greg going to summer school? In any school, he's as stupid as ever.
Tori: Yeah, so why should this be any different?
AJ: Because the teachers all have, like, advanced degrees or somethin'.
Maud: Who's the teacher? Is it Miss McMorty again?
AJ: Dude, the single one that disses all the kids? Uh, no.
Amanda: AJ knows all about the summer school teachers 'cause her 24-year-old cousin, Valerie, is a summer school teacher.
Tori: Yeah. Miss McMorty's that ugly one, right? No wonder she's single...
Maud: EW. MENTAL IMAGE. Anyway, who's the new teacher?
AJ: Like, Miss Faye or something...
Amanda: ZOMG. FAYE IS SOOOOOOO A PRETTY NAME.
Tori: Ok. Amanda, you're scaring me.
Maud: Is Miss Faye single?
AJ: She MIGHT be. Haven't heard from Valerie yet.
Tori: Is she a pefect match for Josh, your and Davi's guardian?
Maud: Dunno. And--HEY! YOU GAVE AWAY A VERY MAJOR PLOT POINT OF "EXPERIMENT CONFIDENTIAL"!
AJ: You also just gave away the title of the story that you and your brother debut in.
Maud: AUGHH! Just continue!
AJ: Valerie says Miss Faye's taking Miss McMorty's room, and is very pretty.
Maud: How come Miss McMorty likes dissing the kids?
AJ: She, like, hates them, is what Val says.
Miss McMorty: GO AWAY!
Amanda: Ok, you just reallllly insulted us! On the count of 1...2...3...CHILDREN OF THE WORLD UNIIIIIIIIITE!
Children of The World: -chase Miss McMorty out of town-
Amanda, AJ, Maud, & Tori: -watch as Miss McMorty is chased-

End of Act II, Act III coming soon.

[InsaneShannon]

Act III
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AJ: We decided to bother Olaf today because we were stinkin' bored.
Amanda, AJ, Maud, & Tori: -go to Olaf's hideout place thingy-
Tori: HELLO!
Olaf: AIEEEEEEEEEE! -jumps- Oh, it's just you guys.
Amanda: We are the Knights who say, "Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me"!
All SDL's: Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me!
Olaf: Where are you getting this stupidity?
Maud: From some commercial thingy, why?
AJ: Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me!
Olaf: No reason...
Tori: I'll admit, it's a very stupid commercial, but we like it!
Olaf: Aren't you going to leave?
Maud: HEY!
Amanda: It's not polite to kick people out of the house, unless it's a sexual predator or self-made mistress!
Olaf: Self-made mistress?
AJ: A self-made mistress is a girl who goes after someone else's husband.
Tori: And a self-made master is a guy who goes after someone else's wife.
Maud: -opens notebook- It's right here, in the page of words and phrases that we made up.
Olaf: ALL FOUR OF YOU thought of that?
Amanda: That's what happens when your fellow Super Duper Lawyers are your close friends.
Maud: -flips to another page- We also have a page of rules and laws that we made up.
AJ: One of our rules is that Olaf cannot kill us, and no one else can kill us for that matter.
Esme: -comes running in- But killing is in...
Tori: Too bad! We have our rules and you have to follow them!
Esme: Y'know what? Making up stuff is in right now.
AJ: I wonder if the mob of kids has stopped chasing Miss McMorty yet.
Mob of Kids: -runs by, chasing Miss McMorty-
Tori: Does that answer your question?
AJ: Yeah...
Miss McMorty somehow breaks free from the mob, but gets chased by the mob again.
Amanda, Tori, Maud, & AJ: -in unison- Bad move, gasbag!

End of Act III, Act IV coming soon.

[InsaneShannon]

Quigley Quagmire was picking ditzy-looking flowers for Violet -snigger-

When suddenly...

SOMEONE BUUUUUUUUURNED HIM!

Lemony: Call in the Super Duper Lawyers!
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Super Duper Lawyer Music: Dun de dun da dun dun da de dun......
SUPER DUPER LAWYERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRS!

Violet walked in in place of Lemony.

Violet: The usual. Justice Strauss is the judge, blah.

The Super Duper Lawyers and Justice Strauss sat down.

Violet: Hello, I'm filling in for Lemony...who's getting his butt whupped by Beatrice right now...

FLASHBACK:
Lemony: NUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! DON'T HURT MEEEEEEEEE!
Beatrice: Shut up! -beats up Lemony-
END FLASHBACK

Violet: So what are your names?

Quiglet: My name is Manadax.

Violet: Weird name!

Quiglet/Amanda: AH! Wrong half of me!

Vemily/AJ: Please excuse our Nobodies.

Sora: -comes running in- Wait, you guys have Nobodies?

Experimaud/Maud: Yes. AJ's is Jax, mine is Axmud, and Tori's is Rixot.

Glex/Tori: True.

Violet sent Sora off.

Violet: Today, we take on...THE BURNING OF QUIGLEY QUAGMIRE! -cries-

Audience: Nuuuuuuuuu.

Violet: GET IN HERE, DUNCAN!

Announcer: Duncan is brought over to Super Duper Lawyer Vemily, who specializes in Person Burning & Arson.

Duncan: I DON'T KNOW HOW TO START A FIRE!

Vemily: Where were you at 6:00 a.m. today?

Duncan: Sleeping.

Vemily: WRONG. YOU WERE BURNING QUIGLEY.

Quiglet: WE WILL NOW SHOW YOU A SLOW MOTION VIDEO OF YOU.

The tape played...it wasn't Duncan.

Duncan: Why would I burn my brother?

Experimaud: Hmmm...

Glex: Jealousy, perhaps?

Duncan shrugged and ran off.

Quiglet: CALL IN SARAH-BOB!

Sarah-Bob: -is hauled in- I DIDN'T DO IT!

Experimaud: WRONG-O. PLAY THE TAPE, QUIGLET.

They played it. It was Sarah-Bob.

Fellow Quagmire fans chased Sarah-Bob out of town, along with Violet...

Violet: HOW DARE YOU KILL MY QUIGGY-DOODLES!!!!!!!

Manadax, Amanda's Nobody: Awkward...

Amanda: Right you are.