School Crossing - "When Satan Calls" [PG]

[ghostboy66]

This a script I'm writing for a series I'm making called School Crossing. This isn't finished...yet. More will come soon! Read and review, pleez.

School Crossing
“When Satan Calls”

Written by Master GhostBoy

EXT. – Tom Pink Middle School

Its early morning and the buses have just pulled up to school. Kids are getting off the bus talking and laughing with their friends.

A round faced boy with brown hair and blue eyes jumps off one of the buses. His name is DANNY. He walks into school, carrying his bookbag on his back. He walks through the doors of Tom Pink Middle School.

INT. – Tom Pink Middle School, The Foyer

DANNY walks past a payphone attached to the wall. A few seconds after he passes it, ringing is heard. DANNY stops and looks back.

The payphone is ringing. DANNY has a look of confusion on his face. He looks around, shrugs, then walks over and picks up the phone.

DANNY
Um...hello?

JAKE
Hello there! This is Jake from the Velcro
and Purple Marker Factory in Kevinsville,
Ohio. Is your mother home?

Now DANNY is REALLY confused.

DANNY
What are you talking about? This is
a payphone in Tom Pink Middle School!

JAKE
Can I interest you in a long term investment?

DANNY
Dude, how did you manage to call a pay phone
at a middle school?!

DANNY is starting to get angry.

JAKE
Our products are made to—

DANNY
I don’t care about your freakin’ products!

DANNY hangs up the phone angrily.

DANNY
Idiot...

DANNY starts to walk away muttering to himself when the payphone starts ringing again. DANNY turns back to the phone, teeth bared, and picks it up again.

DANNY
Hello?!

JAKE
Hello there! This is Jake from the Velcro
and Purple Marker Factory in Kevinsville, Ohio.
Is your mother home?

DANNY
Why do you keep calling?

JAKE
Um...would you like to buy some purple markers
over the phone?

DANNY
No! Look, dude! This is a school! A middle school!
And you’re calling a payphone! A payphone in
this middle school!

DANNY stands there huffing and puffing for a few seconds.

JAKE
Well, then could I talk to your mother?

Once again, DANNY slams down the phone and walks away, muttering to himself, his fists clenched and teeth bared. A few seconds later, the phone rings again. DANNY is on the verge of going ballistic, but then calms himself.

DANNY
Just don’t pick it up, Danny. Ignore the
temptations.

Suddenly, an explosion is heard! Chunks of the ceiling fall down around DANNY. A rope unrolls down from the ceiling. A boy about DANNY’s height slides down the rope and lands in the foyer next to DANNY. This is ZACK, DANNY’s best friend. He has brown hair, green eyes and glasses. He is also wearing a bookbag.

ZACK
Hey, Danny. Why are you muttering to
yourself?

DANNY
Hey Zack. Some idiot named Jake keeps
calling me on this payphone.

ZACK notices the payphone ringing.

ZACK
This one?

DANNY
Do you see any other ringing payphones?

ZACK shoots DANNY a glance and picks up the phone.

ZACK
Hello?

JAKE
Hello there! This is Jake from the—

ZACK
Jake, you’re fat!

ZACK quickly slams the phone down.

ZACK
There. Problem solved. Now come on, or
we’re gonna be late for homeroom.

EXT. – Mr. Mackay’s Classroom

“MR. MACKAY – ROOM 107” is printed on a semi-opaque window in the door.

INT. – Mr. Mackay’s Classroom

All the students are sitting in their seats. The desks are placed very precisely in rows. Inspirational posters and math posters and placed all over the walls. MR. MACKAY is standing at the front of the room next to his desk.

MR. MACKAY
Alright, kids, I just ate three tacos
and I’m gonna have the poots all day.
So if you smell something odd...it’s
the smell coming from my—

The phone on MR. MACKAY’s desk rings, cutting him off. He picks up the phone.

MR. MACKAY
Yeah, I’m here. Do you have the chili
peppers? What? Oh sorry, I thought you
were someone else and—What? Oh yeah,
they’re here. Zack! Danny! Get over here!

ZACK and DANNY, who are sitting in seats next to each other, exchange nervous glances and walk to the front of the room.

ZACK
What is it, Mr. Mackay?

DANNY
I swear! That CD was legally burned!

MR. MACKAY
No, Danny. Someone wants to talk to you
two.

ZACK looks at DANNY. DANNY shrugs and takes the phone from MR. MACKAY.

DANNY
Hello?

JAKE
Hello there! This is Ja—

DANNY
Oh my god! Are you serious?!

ZACK
What?

DANNY
It’s Jake again!

ZACK looks annoyed and takes the phone from DANNY.

ZACK
Shut up and stop calling us in
school, you fat guy!

JAKE [in evil, deep voice]
Listen to me, child. You will listen to
me because...to be truthful, I’m
friends with...um...Satan.

ZACK pulls the phone back from his ear and stares at it.

ZACK
What the craps?

He’s put his ear back to the phone.

JAKE
Now you’re gonna listen to me now. You’re
gonna buy some of my products, or I’ll
get Satan to...like...push you.

ZACK
Push me?

JAKE
Yes. Push you. Off a cliff. Push you off
a cliff. With his fiery hands.

ZACK has a look on his face like he can’t believe what this dude is saying.

ZACK
Um...okay...


JAKE
So buy my products.

ZACK
Well, I’m in school right now. C-can you
call me at my house later?

JAKE
Oh okay. Sorry. Bye.

JAKE hangs up the phone with a “Click!” ZACK drops the phone.

ZACK
Oh my god!

ZACK sounds frantic and distressed.

DANNY
What?!

ZACK
Jake is friends with Satan!

DANNY
The fiery dude?

ZACK
Yeah! And he’s gonna make Satan push off a
cliff with his fiery hands unless we
buy his products!

DANNY
Holy crap!

ZACK
What are we gonna do?

DANNY
We could...you know...actually buy
some of his stuff.

ZACK
What?! That would be like surrendering
to our mortal enemy.


DANNY
Mortal enemy? But we just met Jake
like 10 minutes ago.

ZACK
10 minutes is all the time you need to find
out whether or not someone is the perfect
candidate as “mortal enemy for life.”

DANNY
Oh my god! You’re right! We gotta talk to
Calvin about this one!

ZACK and DANNY run out of the room, leaving MR. MACKAY standing there, looking miffed.

MR. MACKAY
Hey! You two can’t leave! Homeroom doesn’t
end for another—Oh, wait...those tacos just
dropped into my lower intestines. Gas masks
on, children!

MR. MACKAY pulls a gasmask on over his face. All the students in the class do too.

INT. – The Hall in Front of Mr. Mackay’s Room

A boy a bit taller than ZACK and DANNY is pounding on his locker door. This is CALVIN, ZACK and DANNY’s best friend. He has black hair and brown eyes. CALVIN keeps pounding on his locker and trying to lift up the handle.

DANNY and ZACK quickly rush out of MR. MACKAY’s class and run up to CALVIN.

DANNY
Calvin, we need your...

DANNY and ZACK stop are stare at CALVIN as he continues beating his locker.

ZACK
What are you doing?

CALVIN
Trying to get this locker open!

DANNY
Did you enter in your locker
combination?

CALVIN
Yes, but it still won’t open!

DANNY
Well, try entering it again.

CALVIN
Alright.

CALVIN steps back and places his right hand on the locker with his fingers spread out.

CALVIN [dramatically]
Left 26...Right 3...Left 11!!

CALVIN stands there for a few seconds, as if expecting something to happen. DANNY and ZACK exchange quick glances. CALVIN takes his hand off the locker and sighs.

CALVIN
See? Nothin’.

ZACK
Did you ever think of using the
combination lock, Einstein?

CALVIN
Combination lock?

ZACK smacks his face with his hand. DANNY walks over to the locker and begins entering the combination into the combination lock.

DANNY
Ya see, you use this thing
to enter in the combination.

DANNY lifts up the handle and the locker swings open, releasing a plethora of action figures, binders, papers, pens, pencils, video tapes, DVDs, video games, plastic swords, books, graphic novels and other junk onto DANNY, completely covering him.

CALVIN
I’m a little bit of a packrat.

DANNY digs his way to the top.

DANNY
Yeah, no kidding!

ZACK
Aaaaaaaaaanyway, Calvin, we’ve got a
problem and we need your help.

CALVIN
A problem? What is it?

ZACK
It’s a situation, matter, or person
that presents perplexity or difficulty,
but that’s not important.

DANNY completely emerges from the pile of junk and brushes himself off.

DANNY
The point is we’ve got an evil
telemarketer after us.

ZACK
Yeah! He’s friends with Satan!

CALVIN
The guy with the fiery hands?

ZACK
Yes, him!

DANNY
And unless we buy his products, he’s
going to destroy us!

CALVIN
Well, it would seem you have a problem
on your hands.

ZACK
NO. DUH. That’s why we came
to talk to you.
CALVIN
Well, what do you want to do
about it?

DANNY
I dunno. Give us some advice?

CALVIN
Well, me being me, I often deal with
fiery, evil demons bent on world
destruction and telemarketing calls.

DANNY and ZACK exchange looks...yet again.

CALVIN
So, I find you have two options.

ZACK
Okay, what’s the first?

CALVIN
Subject to their commands.

ZACK
What?

CALVIN
Subject to their commands. You know, like
if they tell you to buy Twinkies for
them, you do it and—

ZACK
NO! No way! We’re not going to bow down
to any freakin’ fiery demons!

CALVIN
Well, then your only other choice is to
find the chosen one and have him fight your
enemies in a violent yet freakin’ awesome
Lord of the Rings style battle.


DANNY
The chosen one?

CALVIN
Yes, the chosen one.
ZACK
Can’t we just hire Harrison Ford
to do it?

CALVIN
No! Harrison Ford is not the
chosen one!

DANNY
What about Keanu Reeves?

CALVIN
He isn’t either!

DANNY
What about Chuck Norris?

ZACK
Or Sean Connery?

DANNY
Or one of the Smurfs?

CALVIN
No, no and – even though I liked that last
one – no! There can only be one chosen
one! That’s why they’re called the
chosen one!

DANNY
Then who is the chosen one then?!

CALVIN
Well, I’m glad you asked, Danny!

CALVIN reaches into the pile of junk, fishes around for a few seconds, and pulls out a piece of notebook paper.

CALVIN
According to this paper I found one day,
whoever can open Locker #476 is the
Chosen One. And Danny, since you opened
my locker, which is freakin’ impossible
to open, you might have a chance at
opening Locker #476.


DANNY and ZACK stare at CALVIN with looks that say “What the crap?”

CALVIN sighs and hands DANNY the notebook paper.

CALVIN
Just read the paper.

DANNY looks at the paper and reads aloud from the paper.

DANNY
“The one who descends from the
heavens and opens Locker #476
is the Chosen One and will
create balance in the school.”

The paper has the above text written in the middle with doodles of little angelic people and some lockers.

ZACK
Alright...now exactly HOW is
this thing supposed to help
us?!

CALVIN
Well, we head to Locker #476
and see if--

ZACK
Oh my god! You actually believe
that piece of paper?!

CALVIN
Hey! This is an oracle! A legend!
A prophecy!

ZACK
A piece of crap. Where’d you find it
anyway?

CALVIN
In the bathroom. It was sticking out
from under the trashcan.

ZACK
Eww! And you picked it up?!

CALVIN
Well...yeah...it was kinda
soggy, though...

DANNY
Well...um...Zack, can I talk to
you for a sec?

ZACK and DANNY whisper the next few lines to each other.

DANNY
Do you think that thing was right? About
the chosen one opening the locker?

ZACK
Holy crap, are you kidding me?!

DANNY
Hey, we’re dealing with Satan here! We’re
gonna need all the help we can get!

ZACK
So what? I’m not listening to a piece
of paper that Calvin found in the
bathroom!

DANNY
Well, it’s the only hope we’ve got, so
we might as well! Let’s just try to
open Locker #476.

ZACK and DANNY turns to CALVIN and talk normally again.

DANNY
Can you take us to the legendary
Locker #476?

CALVIN
Yes, but it will be a perilous journey.
We’ll make our way through biohazard-ous
wastes, poisonous marshes and get past the
treacherous eighth grades that guard the
locker.

ZACK
Don’t be so dramatic, Cal. We just have to
go up a flight of stairs or two.
CALVIN
Fool! You completely ruined the
dramatic tension!

ZACK
I hate drama.

CALVIN
You’re evil.

DANNY
Are you gonna take us to this locker
or what?

CALVIN
Fine!

CALVIN, ZACK and DANNY start walking off in a single file line. They walk in silence for a few seconds, then the theme from Lord of the Rings starts to fade in. ZACK and DANNY take notice and start looking around, wondering where the music is coming from. After a while, ZACK stares at CALVIN look of displeasure on his face.

ZACK
Calvin...

CALVIN
What?

ZACK
Turn the music off.

CALVIN
What music?

ZACK
The Lord of the Rings music, I know
you’re playing it.

CALVIN
Wh-what are you talking about?

ZACK
Oh, for the love of god, just shut off
the music, Calvin!

CALVIN
You’re evil!

CALVIN pulls a boombox playing the Lord of the Rings music out of his pants and presses the stop button.

CALVIN
There! Now! We’re gonna be walking
along for like three minutes in silence!
I hope you’re happy!

ZACK
Oh, I am.

The three boys continue to walk in silence for a few more seconds, until Linkin Park music fades in. CALVIN instantly stops and turns to ZACK, arms folded. ZACK and DANNY stop, nearly running into the person in front of them.

ZACK
What? Now this is good music!

CALVIN
Turn it off. How many times have you
seen a fantasy-adventure movie with Linkin’
Park playing in the background?

DANNY
But this isn’t a fantasy-adventure movie.
We’re just 13-year-olds going to middle school
and cutting class so we can fight demon
telemarketers.

CALVIN
Well, it’s close enough!

DANNY
All right, you know what? We’re skipping
this whole scene because it’s getting more
and more idiotic by the second.

DANNY walks up to the screen and puts his hand over it, so everything turns black. We can still hear voices and sound effects, though.

CALVIN
Come on, Danny! Don’t be a spoil sport!
DANNY
Well, you guys are whining like babies
about ‘soundtracks’ which really annoyed
the crap out of me.

ZACK
Well, I hated Lord of the Rings!

CALVIN
How could you hate it?!

ZACK
It was all special effects and no
storylines. Plus the acting sucked.

CALVIN
It was an inspiring movie! When Helen
Keller saw it, she could see and hear
afterwards!

ZACK
Helen Keller never saw the Lord of
the Rings!

CALVIN
Do you have any demographic proof?

ZACK
What do you mean “demographic proof?!”
Lord of the Rings was a movie! Now if you
want a good movie...you gotta go see
“Signs!”

CALVIN
Oh my god, are you kidding me?

ZACK
No! That movie rocked! I nearly
crapped myself watching that!

CALVIN
That movie was completely un-scary!
“Oooooh, the aliens are in the house!
We have to throw water at them!”

ZACK
That was the best part!
CALVIN
The whole movie sucked!

ZACK
No, you suck!

DANNY
Guys, guys! Relax! You guys are
actually having a freakin’ argument
about whether Lord of the Rings or
Signs was better?

CALVIN
Well...

DANNY
Oh good, we’re here anyway.

DANNY takes his hand off the camera, revealing DANNY, ZACK and CALVIN standing by a long row of lockers. ZACK is walking along side the lockers looking at the numbers at the top of them.

ZACK
#474...475...Ah! #476!

CALVIN
This is it, boys. This is the
moment that will determine
whether we are boys...or men.

DANNY looks a CALVIN funny and takes a step back from him.

ZACK
You know...it just now occurred to
me. This locker actually belongs to
somebody!

CALVIN
Yeah, so?

ZACK
We’re gonna get busted if we open
this locker.

CALVIN
No one’s gonna find out!
CALVIN looks suspiciously at DANNY and ZACK.

CALVIN
Unless someone tells them.

ZACK
Well, I won’t.

DANNY
I won’t! I wouldn’t rat out
my best friends.

CALVIN
Alright then.

CALVIN kneels down on one knee and puts his hands together, as if praying.

CALVIN
Oh, mighty overlords of the Second Realm!
Give me the power to open this locker
and become the chosen one!

DANNY and ZACK stare at CALVIN.

He stands up, twists the combination lock around a few times, and tries to lift up the handle. The handle doesn’t budge. CALVIN tries harder and begins beating and kicking the door. Finally, he gets tired and slumps against the locker.

CALVIN
Crap. I wanted to be the chosen one.

ZACK
You’re not lifting up the handle right!
Here, let me do it!

ZACK goes up to the locker and tries to lift up the handle. Once again, it doesn’t budge. ZACK tries again, but it still doesn’t move. ZACK bares his teeth, growls and ferociously kicks the locker. A large dent is left where ZACK kicked. DANNY, ZACK and CALVIN stare on in fear.

ZACK
Oooooooooooh, crap.

CALVIN
Nice, Zack!

ZACK
It’s not my fault! The locker
made me angry!

DANNY
Guys, guys! It’s easy to open a locker
like this! You just gotta figure
out the combination!

DANNY walks over to the locker and sticks his ear close to the lock and begins turning the combination lock and forth.

ZACK
Dude, you’re not gonna be able to
hear the tumblers. I can’t even hear
the tumblers and my doctor says I have
20-20 hearing. That means I
can hear any—

DANNY
Yes!

DANNY pulls his head back and lifts up the handle. The locker swings open. DANNY smiles and CALVIN and ZACK stare on in awe.

ZACK
Oh...my...god...

CALVIN
Danny! You are the chosen one!

DANNY
Umm...yay?

CALVIN
Danny has the true heart of
a warrior!

DANNY
Yay again!

CALVIN
You are the one who will fight Satan!

DANNY
Ya—wait what?!

[ghostboy66]

Here's the rest. Phew! 46 pages total!

DANNY has a look of surprise and terror on his face.

CALVIN
What?

DANNY
I have to fight Satan?!

CALVIN
Yeah, we confirmed that before you
opened the locker.

DANNY
But...but...I’m only 12! And...and...
how’m I supposed to beat Satan?! I
mean its Satan! He has fiery hands!!

ZACK
Throw a bucket of water at him.

CALVIN
Nah, I’ve tried that before. Didn’t work.

DANNY and ZACK stare at CALVIN with a look of bewilderment.

CALVIN
Um...what I meant to say was...he’s
too powerful to be defeated by
a bucket of water.

ZACK
I guess you’re right. I mean, he’s a
20-foot-tall powerful burning dude who
could easily smash us all into bite-size
human pancakes.
DANNY
That’s it! I don’t wanna be the chosen
one anymore! Calvin, you can be
the chosen one!

CALVIN
Danny, Danny! Relax! We’ll make you
into a first-class chosen one.
DANNY
How’re we gonna do that?

CALVIN reaches into the locker, fishes around and pulls out a blue book.

CALVIN
Why, we’ll read this conveniently
placed book entitled ‘Zero to Hero:
A Guide to Becoming the Chosen One.’

ZACK
Whoa! Whose locker is this?!

CALVIN
It shall forever be a mystery. C’mon
guys, we got some reading to do.

DANNY, ZACK and CALVIN walk off to the right, leaving the locker hanging open. A few seconds later, MR. MACKAY walks on from the left side of the screen wearing his gasmask.

MR. MACKAY [slightly muffled by the gasmask]
Phew! That is the last time I order from
the Taco Bell Breakfast menu!

MR. MACKAY removes the gasmask and wipes his forehead with his arm.

MR. MACKAY
I hope the children’s hospital bill
won’t be too high.

MR. MACKAY notices the open locker and gasps.

MR. MACKAY
Hey! Someone broke into my locker! And
they stole my book! Now I’ll never be
able to become like Luke Skywalker!
MR. MACKAY drops his gasmask and runs off-screen, crying.

MR. MACKAY
Noooooooooooooo!!!

INT. – The School Library

DANNY, ZACK and CALVIN are sitting at a table reading the Chosen One book. MS. GIJANE, the school librarian, enters. She’s dressed in very stereotype librarian clothing with brown hair and glasses.

MS. GIJANE [sweetly]
Hello, boys. Can I help you with
anything?

ZACK
Oh, no thanks, Ms. Gijane.

CALVIN
Yep, just catching up on some
reading is all.

DANNY
Yeah, what they said.

MS. GIJANE
Oh, well have fun. And remember, if
you steal a book, you pay the price.

MS. GIJANE pulls out a lightsaber handle. She presses a button to make the red laser part pop out. She waves the lightsaber around, doing some pretty sweet tricks with it. Then she smiles sweetly.

MS. GIJANE
G’bye, boys!

MS. GIJANE walks off-screen. DANNY, ZACK and CALVIN watch as she leaves.

ZACK
What a freak.

DANNY
Yeah. Anyway, let’s start reading
already. What’s the book say, Calvin?

CALVIN [reading the book]
“If you’ve purchased this book, it’s
probably either because A) You’re going
to fight Satan in a violent yet freakin’
awesome Lord of the Rings style battle or
B) You want to be like Luke Skywalker.
If you didn’t purchase this book and you
got it from a library, you’re depriving me
of my money, which is very evil, you
demonic freak.”

DANNY
Are you sure this is Mr. Mackay’s book?

ZACK
Shh! Let Calvin continue!

CALVIN
Anyway... “Either way, you’re about
to become the chosen one. But it will be
a long and hard journey full of blood,
sweat and tears. I hope you’re ready for
pain, sucker!”

DANNY
Is there anyway you could just give us
this book in a nutshell?

CALVIN
What’s the rush, dude?

DANNY
I wanna hurry up and learn to be the
Chosen One! For all we know, Satan could
be right outside right now!

CALVIN
True, true. But—

The phone on the library desk starts ringing, cutting CALVIN off. DANNY, ZACK and CALVIN exchange nervous glances. DANNY shrugs, gets up, and picks up the phone.

DANNY
Hello?

JAKE [still in deep, evil voice]
Seven days...

DANNY
What the--?

JAKE [in normal voice]
Hah! Just kidding! But seriously, this
is Jake from the Velcro--

DANNY
Wait, dude. I have to ask you something.

JAKE
Is it about a long term investment?

DANNY
No, I wanted to ask what would happen
if I didn’t buy any of your products.

JAKE
[laughs] Well, I would have to have
Satan push you a cliff with his fiery
hands.

DANNY
But what if I destroyed Satan first?

JAKE
Umm...destroy Satan? Only the chosen
one can do that!

DANNY
Oh, yeah, how silly of me!

JAKE
So, will you buy my products?

DANNY gets angry here, since JAKE is sounding like a broken record.

DANNY
No, you fat man!

DANNY slams down the phone angrily.


DANNY
Anyway, what do I need to do to become
a real chosen one?

CALVIN
Well, it says here there are a few
essentials. First of all, you need
a cool weapon that’ll strike fear
into your enemies.

ZACK
Like a huge black pointy evil
sword?

DANNY
I think I have a better idea.

INT. – The Lockers Outside of Mr. Mackay’s Room

DANNY is standing outside his locker holding a pink Hello Kitty umbrella. ZACK is starring at DANNY flabbergasted.

DANNY
How’s this?

ZACK
What is that?!

DANNY
A Hello Kitty umbrella, what
do you think?

CALVIN
I’m not sure, Danny...

DANNY
Why not? Doesn’t Hello Kitty strike
fear into people?

CALVIN
Yeah, but it’s not cool!

ZACK
Wait, I’ve got that covered.

ZACK pulls a black sharpie out of his pocket and draws a huge, black, pointy evil sword in Hello Kitty’s hand.
CALVIN
Hello Kitty with a sword? That works.

DANNY
Right, now what’s next?

EXT. – Tom Pink Middle School, The Side of The School

DANNY, CALVIN and ZACK are sitting in the bushes wearing camouflage. CALVIN and DANNY are wearing black paint under their eyes.

DANNY
Cal, are you sure I have to have
an ‘almighty steed?’

CALVIN holds up the Chosen One book.

CALVIN
That’s what the book says. The book
knows all.

ZACK
Okay, but we’re randomly hiding in
the bushes outside the school.

CALVIN
Aha! So it would seem! But you obviously
didn’t see the trap I set so that when
an animal comes along, we’ll train it
to be the Chosen Steed.

DANNY and ZACK look forward and notice a plate of cookies, a glass of milk and an arrow shaped sign pointing to the milk and cookies that reads “Not a trap!”

ZACK
That’s your trap?! What the crap is
that thing supposed to do?!

CALVIN
Well, you see, when an animal is
attracted by these cookies, I’ll get
Ben Roethlisberger to tackle the
animal!


ZACK
How do you intend to get Ben
Roethlisberger to come to our
school and tackle innocent little
animals eating chocolate chip cookies?!

ROETHLISBERGER
Did I hear my name?

The screen zooms out to reveal BEN ROETHLISBERGER also hiding in the bushes with the boys. He’s wearing his Pittsburgh Jersey and helmet.

DANNY
Holy crap, it’s Ben Roethlisberger!

ROETHLISBERGER
That’s right, kids! I heard about
your little dilemma, and I decided
to help!

CALVIN
And plus I’m paying him!

ROETHLISBERGER holds up a wad of cash and rubs it against his cheek.

ROETHLISBERGER
Oh, sweet, sweet money. I don’t
know how I’d live without you.

CALVIN
Shh! Shh! Quiet down, you
guys! There’s something
coming!

The boys and ROETHLISBERGER sink down low in the bushes. MR. MACKAY walks onscreen.

MR. MACKAY
Now I know I dropped my ‘Math
is very, very, very special
pencil’ around here somewhere!

MR. MACKAY sees the cookies.


MR. MACKAY
Oh, goody! Cookies and milk!
Just like the ones Mama used
to make!

MR. MACKAY bends down, picks up a cookie and takes a bite out of it.

CALVIN [shouting]
Roethlisberger!! NOW!!

ROETHLISBERGER jumps up out of the bush and runs towards MR. MACKAY.

MR. MACKAY
Huh??

ROETHLISBERGER
Hut, hut, hike!

MR. MACKAY
Oh my god!!

He drops the cookie and runs away. ROETHLISBERGER begins to follow when CALVIN grabs his arm.

CALVIN
No, sorry. My mistake. I thought
that was an elk.

ZACK
No, stupid! An elk would have to
be at least...twice as hairy!

ROETHLISBERGER
You mean...that wasn’t an
elk?

CALVIN
Just come back to the bush,
Benny.

CALVIN and ROETHLISBERGER go hide back in the bush.

DANNY
We gotta be more careful, Calvin.
We can’t just attack randomly.
ZACK
Why not? I enjoyed that!

ZACK smiles a nervous grin as DANNY shoots him a look. CALVIN looks off-screen.

CALVIN
Wait, guys! Something else is coming!

Once again, the children and ROETHLISBERGER sink into the bushes. A few seconds later, a moose walks onscreen and sees the milk and cookies. He stops walking and kicks the milk over.

CALVIN
Roethlisberger! Attack!

ROETHLISBERGER gives a war cry and shoots out of the bush, flying through the air. He flies over the moose and lands on the other side of the moose with a loud “THUD!”

CALVIN jumps up and out of the bush, holding a rope and smiling.

CALVIN
Ha ha, success!

CALVIN takes the rope and begins tying it around the moose’s mouth, making reins and a bridle out of rope.

ROETHLISBERGER stands up slightly shaken, holding his head with his hand.

CALVIN
Good job, Roethlisberger! Now
we have a valiant steed for
Danny!

ROETHLISBERGER
And I’ve got money! Yay!

DANNY and ZACK step out of the bush.

DANNY
Alright, let’s hurry up and
get this over with. What’s
the next we gotta find?
CALVIN reaches into his pocket and retrieves the book. He flips through the pages a little bit.

CALVIN
Umm...let’s see, here...
Ah, here it is! We have
to find Danny some awesome
armor!

INT. – The Cafeteria

DANNY, ZACK, CALVIN and ROETHLISBERGER are standing in the empty cafeteria. ZACK is sitting on top of the moose while CALVIN is holding a box of tinfoil.

CALVIN notices ROETHLISBERGER still standing with them.

CALVIN
Dude, you can leave now.
I mean, we’ve got the moose and
you’ve got your cash.

ROETHLISBERGER
Oh. Bye.

ROETHLISBERGER walks away. CALVIN reaches into the box of tinfoil and starts to pull some out.

CALVIN
Well, Danny, most warriors use
metal armor, but we don’t have
access to any, so we’re going
to use this tinfoil instead.

DANNY
Are you sure that’s the best
idea? I mean, shouldn’t we use
something more—

CALVIN
More shiny?

DANNY
Actually...I was going to say
more durable...


CALVIN
Well, we were going to use
plastic wrap, but the moose
ate all of it.

ZACK smacks the side of the moose.

ZACK
He’s like a bottomless pit of
hunger. He’s eaten at least
four of the bushes outside.

CALVIN pulls the tinfoil out of the package.

CALVIN
Ready?

DANNY
I guess...

CALVIN begins running in a circle around DANNY, unraveling the tinfoil which wraps around DANNY. After a little bit, CALVIN stops and rips the tinfoil at the end, then pulls duct tape out of his pocket and tapes the loose end to DANNY, who is now wrapped in tinfoil.

CALVIN
There! Perfect!

DANNY begins struggling in the tinfoil.

DANNY
I can’t move my arms!

CALVIN
Yeah, so?

DANNY
Alright...first off, how am I supposed to
mount the moose? Second, how am I going
to hold a weapon so I can fight Satan?

CALVIN strokes his chin and thinks about this for a few seconds.

CALVIN
So you’ll have a minor setback.
ZACK smacks his face with his hand.

DANNY
You know what? Whatever. Let’s just
get on with this.

CALVIN pulls the book out of his pants and begins reading it.

CALVIN
Next, you need a cool theme song.

Suddenly, ZACK smiles widely and holds up his Linkin’ Park CD.

DANNY
How ‘bout not?

ZACK frowns and puts the CD down. At the same time, CALVIN holds up the soundtrack to Lord of the Rings and smiles just as ZACK did.

DANNY [flatly]
No.

CALVIN also frowns.

DANNY
Wait! I’ve got just the thing!
Here, Calvin, reach into my
pocket.

CALVIN shrugs and reaches into DANNY’s pocket and pulls out a The Who CD.

CALVIN
What the crap?! You turned down
Lord of the Rings for The Who?!

DANNY
Just give it a chance, Calvin.

CALVIN
Oh, fine...

CALVIN reaches into his pants and pulls out a boombox.

DANNY
Geez, dude, how much you got
in those pants?

CALVIN
These pants are very roomy!

CALVIN opens the CD drive on the boombox.

CALVIN
What track is it?

DANNY
Track 1.

CALVIN presses a few buttons and Baba O’Riley starts playing. CALVIN and ZACK look horrified while DANNY has a look of pleasure on his face.

ZACK
What the—?!

CALVIN
Baba O’Riley!?!

DANNY
Sure, why not? I mean, I love
this song! Who doesn’t?

ZACK
Me!

CALVIN
And me!

ZACK
I can’t believe you turned down
Linkin’ Park for this synthesizer
crap!

DANNY
Hey, it gets better as it goes
along, ya know!!

ZACK
That’s a lie! The whole song
sucks!
DANNY
Well, I’m the chosen one! I
should be able to pick my own
theme song!!

CALVIN
Hey, Zack, Danny does have
a point there.

ZACK folds his arms.

ZACK
Fine. But don’t blame me
when everyone tells you
your theme song is crappy.

CALVIN pulls the book out and begins reading.

CALVIN
Alright, you’re ready, Danny!

DANNY struggles in his tinfoil armor.

DANNY
All this stuff seems kind of
stupid...but it’ll help me
defeat Satan...

The school bell rings, and students swarm out of the classrooms, immediately crowding the hall. DANNY and CALVIN are pushed and shoved by other students, but ZACK sits still on the MOOSE, which doesn’t budge.

ZACK
Where’d all these kids come
from?!

CALVIN pulls a grandfather clock out of his pants and points to it.

CALVIN
It’s three o’ clock. Schools
over.

DANNY
How did you...? Oh, never mind...

ZACK
You mean it took us seven
and a half hours just to find
an umbrella, find a moose, wrap
Danny in tinfoil and listen to
Baba O’Riley?

CALVIN
Yeah, just about.

DANNY
Let’s just get out of this
crowd.

DANNY and CALVIN wade their way through the crowd while ZACK just sits on the MOOSE as the MOOSE walks along without any effort.

EXT. – Tom Pink Middle School

DANNY pushes himself through the crowd and out the door, where he flops on the ground. CALVIN does the same and flops on top of DANNY, who coughs and sputters. ZACK and MOOSE, as usual, just walks out the door and sits on the ground. ZACK climbs off and pats the camel on the head.

ZACK
Good boy, Scooter.

DANNY and CALVIN both struggle to their feet.

DANNY
You named the moose?

ZACK
Sure, why not? He’s like a
brother to me.

Silence...

DANNY
You’ve known him for like
40 minutes!

ZACK
So?

DANNY
Never mind...

DANNY, ZACK and CALVIN stand around, looking around for a few seconds.

DANNY
So when do I fight Satan?

CALVIN’s eyes widen and he does a face palm.

CALVIN
Ah, crap...

DANNY and ZACK exchange nervous and confused looks.

DANNY
Calvin...

CALVIN
We never scheduled a time to
fight Satan!

ZACK
Scheduled? I didn’t know we
had to...

DANNY nods as ZACK says this.

DANNY
Yeah, I thought he would just
like show up at the end of
the day, or something like that.

CALVIN
Well, we gotta call him!

CALVIN looks around for a phone frantically, then turns to ZACK.

CALVIN
Hey! Zack! Lemme use your
cell phone!

ZACK
Well, alright...

ZACK reaches into his pocket and pulls out his blue cell phone.

ZACK
I’m not sure this is gonna
help though. I mean, we
don’t know Satan’s phone
number.

CALVIN turns on ZACK’s cell phone and the cell phone plays a quick little tune.

CALVIN
Well, let’s call the operator!
I mean, those guys kn—

Suddenly, ZACK’s cell phone begins playing the Super Mario Bros. Theme.

ZACK
I’m getting a call?

CALVIN pushes a button on the cell and sticks the phone up to his ear.

CALVIN
Hello?

SATAN [over the phone]
Hello, is the one known
as Danny available?

CALVIN
Sure, who’s this?

SATAN
Oh, this is Satan.

There’s a slight pause.

CALVIN
Wait, seriously?

SATAN
Yes.


CALVIN freezes and drops the phone.

CALVIN
Oh craps.

ZACK
What?!

CALVIN
Satan’s on the phone!

DANNY
Wh-what!?!

CALVIN
Satan is on the phone and
he wants to talk to Danny!

ZACK
How’d he get my number?!

CALVIN
I don’t know!! Maybe he
Google’d it or something!

DANNY quickly grabs the phone.

DANNY
Um...Mr. Satan? Sir?

SATAN
Yes? Is this young Danny?

DANNY looks around nervously, and pulls at his collar.

DANNY
Uh...yeah...

SATAN
Oh, so good to speak to you!
Listen, I just wanted to ask
you when our battle is going to
take place.

DANNY
Our battle?

SATAN
Yes, Jake informed me that you
refused to buy any of his products,
so he figured you accepted his
challenge to a battle. I was
wondering when we were going to
have it.

DANNY thinks this over.

DANNY
How ‘bout right now?

SATAN
Ah, splendid! I’ll be there
in five seconds! Literally!

SATAN hangs up.

DANNY
Oh my god!

ZACK
What’d he say?!

DANNY
Satan is going to come
fight me in exactly five—

A large explosion interrupts DANNY! A fiery explosion occurs in the parking lot, throwing some cars to the side! Smoke rises through the air! The blast throws back ZACK and DANNY, but CALVIN and the moose hold their ground. After the smoke clears, SATAN is standing there! SATAN is 20-foot-tall with red skin. He’s very muscular, has horns on his head and black hair on his head. He has claws on his hands and feet.

Next to SATAN is a man with sandy-brown hair, a white dress shirt, black pants, a black belt, black dress shoes and a red tie. He has a smirk on his face. This man is JAKE!

JAKE points at CALVIN, MOOSE and the slightly dazed DANNY and ZACK.

JAKE
There they are, Master!
SATAN
Yes, very good Jake. When
we get back home, you’ll
get a doggie treat.

SATAN approaches the boys with giant monstrous footsteps.

SATAN
DANNY...I AM SATAN. WE
SHALL NOW DO BATTLE.

DANNY stares at SATAN with giant eyes of terror, but then summons up his courage and smiles.

DANNY
Yes! I shall fight!

His right arm bursts through the tinfoil and he grabs his Hello Kitty umbrella. Then he jumps on MOOSE.

DANNY [dramatically]
Calvin...CUE THE MUSIC...

CALVIN pulls the boombox out of his pants and presses play. Baba O’Riley begins playing.

DANNY throws his Hello Kitty umbrella at SATAN, like a javelin! It hits SATAN’s chest...and explodes into flames.

DANNY smile instantly turns into a frown and the eyes of terror return. DANNY falls off MOOSE, who looks around and calmly walks away.

DANNY
It’s all over.

JAKE jumps up and down with glee.

JAKE
Ha ha! It’s all over for
you now, little kid! This
is what you get when you don’t
buy products from telemarketers
and enrage Satan!

SATAN summons a large flaming sword which materializes into his hand.
SATAN
You have not passed my test. Your
punishment will be death!

DANNY nearly craps himself out of fear.

DANNY
D-death?!

SATAN lowers his sword and scratches the back of his head.

SATAN
Sorry, did I say death? I meant
1st-degree burns...or rather one
1st-degree burn...or rather one
tiny burn that’ll heal in like
an hour...ah, whatever!

SATAN raises his sword to strike. DANNY edges away from SATAN and ends up cornered against the front of the school.

DANNY
Wait, wait, wait, dude! I-I can
help you! Look, is there something
going on at home or something?

SATAN pauses and his fieriness begins to die down.

SATAN
Hmmm?

JAKE’s smile fades and he gets angry.

JAKE
Don’t fall for it, Satan! This
kid is trying to—

SATAN turns quickly and shoots JAKE a look.

SATAN
Shut up, Jake!

JAKE, surprised, gasps then folds his arms and frowns in a “pouty” face.

SATAN sits on one knee next to DANNY.

SATAN
What did you say, child?

DANNY begins to see SATAN isn’t as evil as he seems and his eyes of terror begin to fade.

DANNY
I asked you if there was something
going on at home that maybe you
wanna talk about?

SATAN thinks about this for a second.

SATAN
Well, actually, there is one thing...

DANNY stands up and smiles.

DANNY
Well, would you like to—

He notices Baba O’Riley is still playing.

DANNY
Calvin, enough with the music already!

CALVIN
Sorry.

CALVIN pulls a large wooden mallet out of his pants and smashes the boombox. Baba O’Riley still plays, slow and distorted. CALVIN hits it four more times. This time the music stops. CALVIN smiles a big toothy grin and flashes a thumbs-up to DANNY.

DANNY turns to SATAN.

DANNY
Anyway, you wanna talk about it?

SATAN walks over to some parked cars and sits on their hoods, like a bench.

DANNY joins him, on the car next to him.

JAKE, flabbergasted, runs over to SATAN.

JAKE
S-Satan, now be reasonable! We came
here to destroy these children, starting
with the kid in the backwards hat!

SATAN makes two fists and stands up.

SATAN
Jake! Ever since you came to the fiery
domain whose name you can’t say on kids’
television that I reside in, you’ve
done nothing but corrupt me!

JAKE
Corrupt you?! You’re Satan! How could
you be anymore more corrupted?!

SATAN’s eyes will with tiny fires.

SATAN
THAT’S IT!! Jake, I’ve had enough
of your back talk, your telemarketing
calls, and I’ve had enough of YOU!!

DANNY, ZACK and CALVIN stand there watching.

CALVIN
Dude, this is awesome!

SATAN grabs JAKE by the arm.

JAKE
W-w-wait, Satan! I mean, I’m a great
assistant to you!

SATAN scoffs.

SATAN
Yeah, right! You sit in your cubicle
all day playing games on the internet,
stapling random papers together,
and making rubber band balls!

JAKE
...um...yeah...

SATAN picks JAKE off the ground.
SATAN
GOODBYE, JAKE!!

SATAN hurls JAKE through the air and JAKE travels through the air, screaming. He lands a few miles away. Once he hits, the spot he lands on explodes, a plane crashes into him, a T-Rex walks by and stomps on the ground, a house lands on him, and thunder strikes him.

SATAN smiles, feeling accomplished, and turns to DANNY.

SATAN
Thank you, Danny. You’re
a pretty good therapist.

DANNY looks confused.

DANNY
Therapist...?

SATAN holds out his hand. A blue flame burns for a few seconds, then a business card sits in the flame’s place. SATAN flicks it to DANNY.

SATAN
Call me sometime, kid!

SATAN summons up fire from the ground which engulfs him, teleporting him back to his home.

DANNY crumples up the business card.

DANNY
I’m glad we got that off our back.

He hurls the business card into the distance.

DANNY
So now what? Our buses pulled away
5 minutes ago.

ZACK
You know, it’s kinda amazing that
not a single teacher saw that
entire thing.


A hand reaches down and grabs ZACK’s ear.

MR. MACKAY
Oh really?!

The screen zooms out to reveal MR. MACKAY looking pretty cross at DANNY, ZACK and CALVIN.

MR. MACKAY
You three are in trouble for cutting
class, opening another student...
erm...person’s locker, using the library
phone without permission, using cell
phones on the school premise without
permission and having a giant confrontation
with a giant red dude with fiery hands!

DANNY does a face palm.

DANNY [muttering]
Oh, for crying out loud...

MR. MACKAY shoots a sharp look at DANNY.

MR. MACKAY
And inappropriate profanities! Your
punishment is after-school detention!
Right now! Get into the school, young
men!

With their heads hanging, DANNY, ZACK and CALVIN begin to trudge into school.

DANNY
Well, it could be worse. Jake
could still be alive.

EXT. – Spot Where Jake Landed, In Middle Of Forest

The pile of rubble is still sitting where JAKE landed. JAKE pulls his upper body out from under the rubble, beaten and bruised.

JAKE
I...I’m alive?

He smiles evilly.
JAKE
YES!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Suddenly, BEN ROETHLISBERGER falls from the sky and lands on JAKE.

ROETHLISBERGER
What’d I miss?

End of ‘School Crossing Episode 101 – When Satan Calls.'

[ghostboy66]

All characters are copyright to GhostBoy66. Similairity to any real people or places is entirely coincidental. All rights reserved. Please do not steal without permission.